a painted life...

its quiet tonight,
slowly the raindrops filter through the leaves,
on which the gentle breeze sweetens,
releasing fragrances,
watching the moon in and out of the
white cotton clouds,

this is the night i wish i am with the one i love, to hold her silently and breathe gently. but no, this is not going to happen. i've hurt her so much and yet, i feel no guilty. what is this feeling? is it a childish infatuation or a brief moment of vanity?. for months i've thought about this, but no clear suggestion ever came to mind. every time i sit alone, i can feel her by my side, when i hark back to what happened, her adorable face appears in my sight. i have plenty of sweet memory with her, a collection that will never i dare to forsake.

this is the 3rd time i tried to win her heart back, and i promised her that this will be the time it will last. i begged her to bury all the back and past as i've learned through all the fight and separation that happiness depends on having her. all i am, i put in her hands. the path is clear, i have no other door.

simply, she replied " it needs more than words to make it real". i completely understood her proud statement, as i am the one who should kick my own stubborn ass and ask myself to zap back to reality. not only i feel no guilty, even more, i am being selfish. i still think that i deserve her, because i spend all the day thinking and through the night dreaming about her. but yes, all the thinking and dreaming wont work in this simple, hypocritical and materialistic reality.

psychopath?

"train to rawang will be arriving at platform no. 6"

perghh! penat aku lari nk kejar tren td, last2 penuh. terpaksalah aku tggu tren yang lain. aku pun terus carik bench nak duduk. sedang aku mencari posisi kedudukan paling selesa, ako terdengar " dah2.. kau blah la" aku fikir luahan itu untuk aku. bila aku pusing jer kepala, owh, aku lihat seorang lelaki mengusir pak cik tua ni (susa aku mau describe). pak cik tu buat tak endah dan kemudian datang pula dekat aku.

seperti masyarakat malaysia yang lain, aku cuba untuk jadi peramah. aku ukir senyuman lalu memandang wajah pak cik td. terkejutnya aku bila aku menoleh memandang muka pak cik tadi, mukanya kelihatan normal, cuma mungkin cara dia berpakaian dan beg plastik yang dipeluknya agak memelikkan. kalau sticker 'P' orang tampal di cermin kereta, pak cik td pula tampal 'P' dekat baju sendiri. aku pun tak pasti kenapa dia tampal kat naju sendiri, mungkin dia takut kereta langgar die kot. tiba2 dia bertanya pd aku " ekau dah konci roban ayam den blom?" lantas fikiran aku berkata , orang gila ni..

aku cuba berlagak macho, membiarkan dia duduk di sebelah aku. soalannya td belum dpt aku jawab ( aku takde reban ayam weyh). beberapa saat lepas tu, die tersengih hingga menampakkan gigi2 rongaknya memandang aku, " ekau tau tujuan idop tak?"

ini pertama kali dlm 21 tahun aku hidup di fatamorgana ni ada org bertanya pd aku soalan sebegitu. aku tidak dpt menjawab, lalu aku tersenyum bersahaja pd pak cik tu.
"tujuan idop adalah untuk BANGUN!" jerit pak cik td lalu bangun dari bench td, dan terus blah.. aku dan org lain disekeliling yang mendengar tersengih, malah ada yang tergelak melihat gelagat pak cik gila tu. aku sendiri tak pasti dia samada dia sememangnya menjerit BANGUN! kerana mmg itu tujuan hidup dia atau dia sememangnya ingin bangun dari kerusi duduknya dan chow.

sedang aku tersenyum, tren pun sampai. bertuahnya aku, tren tu kosong. aku duduk dan berfikir.. "btol jugak ckp pak cik td, aku sendri pon x tau tujuan idop aku" aku terfikir akan perkataan "bangun" yang dijerit pak cik td. aku cuba mentafsir maksud bangun. pelbagai andaian dan tafsiran yang aku cuba huraikan, namun aku masih blurred dgn "bangun". apakah bangun itu bermaksud cuba berdiri semula selepas jatuh? (semantic) atau tegak dan menyedari kedudukan dan kehadiran diri dan org lain?
aku pun hampir gila memikirkan kata2 pak cik td.. yang paling penting, aku mahu mencari tujuan hidup aku dan kehadiran aku..
sekian....

Aloha~

the real reason why i start this blog is bcoz evryone has their own blog.. hehe. i'll try my best to always update this blog.. im still in Malaysia n using dial-up connection, so it sux! hehe..
==" phew.. its hard to start blogging.. i've been thinking for half an hour n still have no idea what to post.. i'll juz stop rite here for now.. chalo0O...